Microfantasy #23

Our feet tangle like roots of a tree,
my leg, your leg, my leg again,
twisted around,
keeping us grounded.
hips straining together before
our torsos branch in their own direction
sometimes touching, sometimes pulling away.
hands splayed and swaying in an invisible breeze.
dreams pass gently, heads turning,
gentle sighs turning to deeper snores
but still we remain bound together
both in life and in sleep
we are entwined.

Microfantasy Monday (or a little late but we'll fake it)

It caught my eye, as I slid into the driver's seat, a neat square of folded paper, the top edge fluttering in the wind while the wiper held the body in firmly in place. Too small for a parking ticket but too plain to be a flier from the school. To leave it and chance letting it fly in the cool April breeze flitted through my head before leaning back out of the drugging warmth of the sun heated car, Reaching across the door, smashing my chest against the window to grab the offending article off the windshield. My mind more on getting in my car and driving away from the hectic week and enjoying the drive home before the reality of a long weekend of grading and planning crept into my reality.

As I entered the flow of traffic, still clutching the folded square, my mind was a million miles away, wishing for more than sad, lonely weekend that loomed ahead. Slowly coming to a standstill I opened the paper and scanned the opening lines gasping as the words seeped into my tired brain.



I love to watch you teach and wonder if you make love with as much passion.
Do you push your hair behing your ear and close your eyes when you kiss?
Do you use your expressive hands to explore your lover's body?
Do you rub your sensitive nipples against hers and laugh that husky little laugh
when you cum?

A horn honks impatiently, my eyes take a moment to refocus, I realize that I've advanced to the head of the line aware only of the aching arousal brought on my an anonymous note.

Thoughts on God

When I sat down to contemplate God...Counting Blue Cars by Dishwalla came to mind:

Tell me all your thoughts on God?

'Cause I would really like to meet her.

And ask her why we're who we are.

Tell me all your thoughts on God,

Cause I am on my way to see her.

So tell me am I very far -Am I very far now?

For a month now, I've been thinking about my concept of God and how it has changed. But, I really can't remember giving God much thought as a child. I can remember being intregued by the concept that "He has the whole world in his hands" and thinking those must be some mighty BIG hands. Other than that HE fell mostly into the Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Milkman catagory of existance. In other words, he was this mistical magical creature who made cool things happen. As a Christian and a Baptist at that much more time was spent learning about and studying the history of Christ.

In my early teens I got kind of stuck on the trinity concept, mostly because a friend of mine couldn't get past the whole one-in-three concept. I guess as a woman the concept of one body having three completely seperate functions wasn't all that hard to grasp. Much harder was trying to figure out how you found balance between, wife, mother, and job. It also made it very clear that this god business can't be very easy. In my late teens I became enthralled with the study of World Religions and was fortunate to find teachers who challenged my concept of God and gave me more of a world view on the many facets of God.

In my twenties I met a man who was a wonderful biblical teacher who focused on the promises contained within the Bible and how the Promise was made in the Old Testament then came to fruition in the New. I also took a Biblical History class at Wake Forest and for the first time read the Old Testament in it's entirity. The God of the old testament was a fierce God. One of burning bushes and smitting (smooting?) and general "vengence is mine sayeth the Lord". Pretty scary stuff until you follow through and meet the God of the New Testament, better known as Papa God, the proud dotting father of the Savior of Man. Then life took over and in my late 20's and 30's the concept never took up a lot of my time. I attended church sporadically and as usual the majority of focus is on Christ...not God.

The times when I have considered the magnitude of God have usually been when I am witnessing the majesty of his creation. There is nothing as breath taking and awe inspiring as a sunrise or sunset, be it over the mountains or the Atlantic, or just caught as I drive. These two moments set of the thought of what that first sunrise must have been like over a newly minted earth. And until the birth of my daughter I thought there was no moment that held as much promise as the dawn of a new day. And apparently at one point Cat Steven's agreed...

Morning has broken, like the first morning

Blackbird has spoken, like the first bird

Praise for the singing, praise for the morning

Praise for the springing fresh from the word

I still hear that song in my mind when I watch the sun rise...no matter where I am.

At the birth of my daughter I gained a new insight to my concept of God. Here was this delicate new creation who was totally dependant on me and who stretched my heart to grasp the concept of infinate love. No matter how tired, how fraught, how worried this was one face that when it turned to me and smiled I knew that there is no greater love than that of a parent for a child. Then my concept of God gained a texture and depth that I'd never expected. How could God look down on his children and not love them all? How could He condemn so many to the agonies of hell that was promised for "non-believers". How could he stomache the involcation of his name in senseless acts of brutality?

And now in my 40's I know in my heart of hearts that this IS NOT God. These are the concepts of small minded humans, ones who draw limits on love, ones who want to feel justified and empowered by believing that God is his infinate LOVE would agree to the limits that his creation would place on that LOVE because as mere children we are incapable of defining the love that only God is capable of.

Independence Day

How it went from
...Hello again in May to
...I'm interested in September to
...I want to love you in December to
...Appathy in March then finally to
...Please don't ever call me again in April...
Is astounding.
But, I learned a lot from you
...I learned that I am indeed a lesbian
...I am capable of a great amount of love
...I am willing to step out of my comfort zone to change my life
...And that love is worth going thru all kinds of hell
And for these things I am greatful to you.
But, I also learned a few other things
...I am NOT willing to be put down by a partner
...I am NOT willing to be in a relationship with an alcoholic
...I am NOT willing to be with someone whose world starts and stops in front of a tv
...I am NOT attracted to people who spout self-help but are so caught up in the past that they fail to live life

I wish you well and hope that you will move forward from here and find yourself before you try to find a partner.

Passion

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm too old for passion...
is it reserved for the young and dumb?

Is there an age limit for expecting to feel passionate about another
and to have that passion returned?

Maybe I need to re-examine my expectations?
Should I not expect

to feel my heart beat harder when she walks toward me?
to think of her and have my thoughts be x rated?
to feel like she is so important that I can't breathe properly without her?
to feel like giving her my heart and know that she will keep it safe?
to want to spend time with her...both in and out of bed...memorizing her every feature?

Maybe I don't want passion if I have to change my definitions to make it fit.