Why are we together?
It's sad...I just left you an hour ago
the first time I've seen you in more than a week.
And my thoughts weren't
how glad I was to have been with you,
even though we went out for a good meal
and got caught up and I finally got to say
Happy Birthday instead all that came to mind
was why where we together?
Yes, I like you and like hearing about your family.
But you are rarely interested in MY family
and you make it more than clear you hear too much
about my child.
I like that you are passionate about sports
and I don't mind spending time with you
watching sports...
But do you know what I am passionate about
and are willing to spend time doing things I love?
I like your apartment and have even gotten
hooked on the reality shows you watch so often.
But I like a different reality, the one going on
outside your door I want to walk and talk
about the real world, watch real people,
and experience life.
I like to drink and act silly and laugh
but I don't do it often and I don't
drink to get drunk...
I like to be silly and laugh in movies,
on game nights, and in bed but without
the alcohol.
And speaking of bed...I love what you
do to me...but I'd like to "do" for you too.
I'd like to snuggle, and pet, and spend
hours exploring your wonderland.
I'm not a fan of "getting it out of the way"
and feeling like I forced you away from
your judge shows just to make me happy.
Why are we together?
Is being alone really so scary?
Monday, March 23, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Right Place/Wrong Time? Wrong Place/Right Time?
Has it ever dawned on you that where you are isn't where you want or need to be? Sometimes I feel like my whole life falls into one of those categories...and when I finally get pointed in the direction where I want to be a different part of my life falls off the tracks...
For example:
Right now I feel like professionally I'm not where I want to be...but I'm in transition to being where I'm aiming. While substituting is not where I want to be, it has gotten me out of convenience stores and most months it pays the bills. Where I want to be is teaching in an exceptional children's classroom either in a middle or high school. Substituting gives me access to schools and principals which I'm hoping will lead to an assistant's position while I go back to school (after Erin has graduated).
But, my budding social life has fallen off the tracks. About a year ago I met a woman who fascinated me. I fell hard for her self-confidence and her love of life. Unfortunately we really didn't "connect" until her life started falling apart. She finally had time for me when she got laid off from her job in November, and about a month after she quit AA. We had a brief affair that included a lot of drinking and all the physical "stuff" that goes on early in a relationship. But after a little more than 6 weeks the romance was over. My personal habits drive her to distraction and her drinking gives her license to berate me and be very rude and judgemental. Over the next month we broke up a minimum of 4 times. By this last time I've just grown numb. I want the woman that I met back but it is getting more and more obvious that she's no longer there. I know that I have played a part in this misery and it's continuation is my fault. I wish I had the backbone to tell her how much i appreciate her help in coming out at least to myself but that I don't see a future for us...no matter how much I wish there were one!
I know where I want to be. I want to find a woman to love me...one who will accept me as I am but want who wants me to continue to grow and evolve as a human being. I want to desire and be desired. I want to look into the future and see her at my side. Unfortunately I don't think I'm on the right track at the moment.
For example:
Right now I feel like professionally I'm not where I want to be...but I'm in transition to being where I'm aiming. While substituting is not where I want to be, it has gotten me out of convenience stores and most months it pays the bills. Where I want to be is teaching in an exceptional children's classroom either in a middle or high school. Substituting gives me access to schools and principals which I'm hoping will lead to an assistant's position while I go back to school (after Erin has graduated).
But, my budding social life has fallen off the tracks. About a year ago I met a woman who fascinated me. I fell hard for her self-confidence and her love of life. Unfortunately we really didn't "connect" until her life started falling apart. She finally had time for me when she got laid off from her job in November, and about a month after she quit AA. We had a brief affair that included a lot of drinking and all the physical "stuff" that goes on early in a relationship. But after a little more than 6 weeks the romance was over. My personal habits drive her to distraction and her drinking gives her license to berate me and be very rude and judgemental. Over the next month we broke up a minimum of 4 times. By this last time I've just grown numb. I want the woman that I met back but it is getting more and more obvious that she's no longer there. I know that I have played a part in this misery and it's continuation is my fault. I wish I had the backbone to tell her how much i appreciate her help in coming out at least to myself but that I don't see a future for us...no matter how much I wish there were one!
I know where I want to be. I want to find a woman to love me...one who will accept me as I am but want who wants me to continue to grow and evolve as a human being. I want to desire and be desired. I want to look into the future and see her at my side. Unfortunately I don't think I'm on the right track at the moment.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
If it's not a date....
If it's not a date...
Then I don't have to shave the legs
or any places south of the armpits.
Then I don't need to put on the pretty undies
so it's cotton grannies all the way.
Then I don't need to add extra perfume
in the clevage or on the backs of my knees.
Then I won't spend my day imagining
what the evening holds in store.
Then I won't mind vegging out on the sofa
watching reality shows until I falll asleep.
Then by all means ask another friend
to come along...and I'll do the same.
Then I don't have to shave the legs
or any places south of the armpits.
Then I don't need to put on the pretty undies
so it's cotton grannies all the way.
Then I don't need to add extra perfume
in the clevage or on the backs of my knees.
Then I won't spend my day imagining
what the evening holds in store.
Then I won't mind vegging out on the sofa
watching reality shows until I falll asleep.
Then by all means ask another friend
to come along...and I'll do the same.
Alone
In those predawn moments
trapped between dark and dawn,
I feel you with me
your warm moist breath on my nape
The brush of your knees
behind mine
The rasp of your nipples
against my back
Your arm slips over my side
sliding along my ribs.
I hold my breath and relax back
against your warmth
Revelling in this intimate time
before the day begins.
The alarmclock sounds
and I awake to find myself alone
Nestled against a pillow
and I mourn the warmth
that never was...
trapped between dark and dawn,
I feel you with me
your warm moist breath on my nape
The brush of your knees
behind mine
The rasp of your nipples
against my back
Your arm slips over my side
sliding along my ribs.
I hold my breath and relax back
against your warmth
Revelling in this intimate time
before the day begins.
The alarmclock sounds
and I awake to find myself alone
Nestled against a pillow
and I mourn the warmth
that never was...
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